match.com helps you master the tricky art of finding love on the net
Online dating has changed the way we meet and flirt. New traditions, new language, whole new etiquette. Here are our answers to 15 of the biggest dilemmas faced by newbies.
Dilemma 1: I want to sound good in my profile, but I’m uncomfortable bragging about myself.
Success in dating is partly about selling yourself. It’s nice to be modest, but too much modesty gets you nowhere. If you write things like: “I’m no good at this kind of thing,” you sound insecure – and that won’t attract anyone.
However, while confidence is sexy, arrogance is not. “I cook a mean breakfast and I’ll always try to make you laugh” is good, but “I earn a lot and no-one can understand why I’m single” isn’t.
Dilemma 2: Can I get my friend to write my profile for me?
Of course. Even if they don’t write it, it’s a good idea to ask your friends for their assessment of your dateable qualities. If they know you well, they may be able to see and articulate what you can’t.
However, don’t start the profile with: “I asked my friend to tell me why I’m a catch, and here’s what he said.” You’ll sound like someone who can’t think for him or herself.
Dilemma 3: I’m fresh from a break-up. Should I say so in my profile?
No. Keep it light and positive. Some things are best left unsaid until you’re a couple of successful dates down the line. These subjects include your ex, your nervous breakdown, your criminal record and your fungal infection. Even if it’s cleared up.
Dilemma 4: Can I lie about my age?
You may assume that everyone lies about their age in online dating profiles, but surprisingly few people do. They know it’s pointless. If you meet someone you like, and they discover that you’ve lied, they’ll wonder what else you’ve fibbed about.
Dilemma 5: I can’t think up a witty username.
Don’t worry too much about that. Many people pick a straightforward username that combines (for example) their name and year of birth, such as ‘dan77’. A name like this suggests that you’re an honest type who’s looking for a genuine relationship, and plenty of people will be attracted to you for that.
Dilemma 6: Do I have to include a photo with my profile? I hate all photos of me…
‘Fraid so. A dating advert without a photo says: “I am so ugly I didn’t want to risk a photo,” “I am married,” or “I am on the run from Broadmoor.”
You should also try to post more than one photo. Everyone who likes your main pic will want to see more, because a single photo isn’t a reliable indicator of what you look like. However don’t post more than five, or you’ll look conceited.
Dilemma 7: Is it bad to only write to people whose photos I fancy?
Not remotely – after all, looks are usually what draw us to potential dates in the offline world. There are so many people looking for love online, it makes sense to disregard the ones you don't find attractive. Life's too short to go on dates with people you don’t fancy.
Dilemma 8: Should I be forward, or wait for people to email me?
You need to be proactive. If you just sit back and wait for people to respond to your profile, you may be waiting a very long time. You don’t have to write someone an epic love letter (please don’t) – just drop them a note to say hello, and mention one or two points in their profile that intrigued you. Weave in some more questions naturally when you get a correspondence going.
Dilemma 9: Is it OK to just nudge or “wink” at people if I can think of anything to say in an email?
Not if it’s your first contact with them. You need to offer them something to respond to – and to look as though you’ve actually read their profile. A nudge or wink just makes you look lazy, and it’s the mark of someone who cruises the profiles, winking at everyone who has two eyes and a nose.
Dilemma 11: Can I email lots of people at once?
Of course. You’re not going out with them yet. However, don’t send the same email to lots of people at once. You’re supposed to be interested in them and their profiles, not spamming everyone with junk mail saying “hi, your photo rocks and I’m available.”
Dilemma 12: I’m getting emails from people I don’t fancy. Must I reply to them all?
No. No-one really wants to receive a reply that says “thanks but no thanks”. Your failure to reply should be the only signal they need. However if they keep writing to you, then you should reply to say that you’re not interested. Don’t block them just because you don’t fancy them. That’s only for people who are bothering you.
Dilemma 13: How long should I wait before asking someone for a date?
Wait until you’ve been exchanging emails for a few days, but not much longer than that. You can’t judge chemistry unless you meet up. If you let your email conversation drag on for weeks without meeting, you may be wasting each other’s time.
Dilemma 14: We had a couple of dates, but I’m not that into them. Can I dump them by email?
Yes, but only if you’ve gone out once or twice. If you've been out several times, you must deliver the break-up face to face.
Dilemma 15: How long after meeting someone should I take my profile down?
If you’ve had a couple of dates and things are going well, you should both take your profiles off the active list. You don't have to delete your profile or cancel your membership, but de-activating tells your date that you want to continue seeing them.
Once you consider yourselves to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you must delete that profile. Keeping it there “just in case” is very unfair to your new lover, and they’d be justifiably upset if they found out.